Letters of a Psychopath Part Two

I kept you with me. The whole time, you were by my side. In my hand, wherever I needed you to be. You were a steady companion, keeping away the fear those nasty people brought me with their sharp silver sticks and cold circles they touched me with all over and you knew I didn't like it so you'd hold my hand and let me squeeze you as hard as I wanted. You were always there for me when I needed you.

The strange people would lead me around places where I really did not want to go. Everything was too white and always much too bright and it burned my eyes so you told me to look at my feet. You were always clinging to my shoes, giving me something nice to look at that didn't hurt. I told you I was worried you'd fall off and get stepped on by the strange, faceless people, but you always laughed me off and said you were fine. So I let you be. You were a welcome break from the ear-piercing, blinding whiteness. You were beautiful and my surroundings were not. You were always there for me when I needed you.

Sometimes I would wake up to my being escorted from my own room to a different place an unfriendly place. In this place I was sat on a table where some faceless people murmur to each other for a few moments. We would murmur to each other at the same time. They ignored us. Whenever they were finished they came and spoke at me in raucous voices that I ignored in favor of your sweeter, softer tone. When they didn't get an answer they tried lowering themselves down to our level on the table and ask again, even louder than the first time. I looked away; I had no reason to want to see their faceless heads anyway. I looked for you. I looked for you all over the godforsaken room my eyes jumped around looking for you and just when I started to think you'd left me there you were again.

You'd perch on the faceless person's shoulder and make faces at him. He couldn't see you; he didn't love you as much as I did and he didn't deserve to see you. I laughed. I laughed at the faceless man's shoulder because you were there making me laugh. But he wasn't amused. When I didn't respond to him, he grabbed me and shook me hard, his head weaving around, trying to get into my view but I wouldn't let him! I couldn't let him, he'd block my view of you! You, couldn't find a place to sit and distract me so you wrapped around my ear to whisper into it. Your soft, golden voice....I loved it so much more than whatever the stupid faceless person was spewing. I'd close my eyes and just listen to you whisper. Funnily enough, these are the only words I remember you saying. Everything else was simply understood.

If anyone asks, tell them we're alright.

If anyone asks. How am I supposed to know if anyone asks?

You think that's what the faceless person is doing.

Asking?

Yes.

Really?

Yes. Tell him. Tell him we're alright.

I'll try.

The faceless man was still in my face. At least he'd stopped shouting. I squeezed my eyes shut, put my distaste for this man aside, and tried to speak. It had been a while since I'd spoken to anyone but you, and even then I wasn't sure if I was actually...you know, vocalizing.

I.......if.......

Not to me, silly, to him.

The faceless man sighed.

“Ww.....wwe'r......”

His interest was clearly piqued at my breathless muttering. He said something loud and incoherent.

“We....we're alight....”

No. I can't do it. I don't want to do it.

Yes, you can. I promise. This is what he wants to hear. He'll leave us alone when he does. I am sure of it.

Fine. I trust you.

I opened my eyes, fixing them on a spot on the floor. I wished you'd go and sit on that spot, but you stayed wrapped around my ear.

“We're are....alight....aligh....alrit....” You whispered encouragement into my ear. “We......are alright.” I couldn't help but smile a bit when the word came out right.

The faceless man stood up in a tornado of flappy white fabric. He'd started making more noise more insufferable noise to his fellow faceless, unidentifiable people. The next thing I knew they were pulling me around, pinning my arms and legs down under hard bars. I didn't even see the bars hanging off the sides of the table until I was underneath them. I protested loudly I didn't want them to do it all I was trying to do was what they wanted why are they punishing me for it stop.

The faceless people paid me no mind. They didn't even seem to be paying attention to one another; they weren't making any noise that I could hear. My metal prisons dug into my skin as I tried harder and harder to break free but nothing happened I couldn't go anywhere and they wouldn't let me why wouldn't they just let me move.

And you....you were no help. You sat atop my ear. I didn't even pay attention to what you were saying, if anything, but you were no help whatsoever. You know that seeing you, being able to hold your hand or anything works. You knew that you could have helped me you knew you could have done something to calm me down but you didn't. Rather you left me there to suffer alone, alone in my fear, alone with those people, alone with myself. You left me so by myself I couldn't stand it.

They called in more noisy people, making the cacophony even worse. I kept pulling against the restraints so two people came and one grabbed my hands and one grabbed my legs to keep me from moving. I didn't like that.

Just as I gave up on finding you and stopped struggling as much, the faceless man stuck me in the leg with a burning cold. It burned something into my leg which willed my muscles to go limp. It ran amok all over my body and made me stop I was going to stop why did they have to make me stop.

The absence of sensation was overwhelming.

I think I could hear, because I vaguely remember noises from the faceless people.

When I woke up I was nowhere. I didn't know where I was. All I knew was I was cold and I was on something hard something relentless and cold and hard and I didn't know what it was I couldn't

It was too hard to try to move; my limbs were still under the control of that thing. Rather, I laid there and tried to figure out what was going on from behind closed eyes.

Nothing.

All I heard was the dull ringing of my pulse in my ears

You....

You.

I couldn't feel you.

I couldn't hear you.

I opened my eyes slowly, moaning sadly when I couldn't see you either.

I forced myself to roll onto my back, staring wide-eyed up at the ceiling, hardly breathing through an open mouth.

Tell them we're alright, tell them we're fine...we're fine we're fine we're fine we're fine.

I think that was the last thing you said to me and now I can't forget it.

It was everywhere. Your words, your tone, your presence, it all leaked out of my heart, to my blood, through my skin, to my whole person....

I fell to my other side, slowly curling into a ball. One of my hands reached across the cold floor, towards nothing I could see but I tried to will you there into the palm of my hand but you wouldn't come why wouldn't you come.

My hand went limp. Desperation took over. The memory of you and the warmth you brought...misery, morosity, I felt it seep from my fingers up my arm like an intoxicated ant; traipsing slowly in some places and running in others, it couldn't quite decide where to go next.

I tightened further into my fetal position; my hands brushed my nose, my knees could feel my knuckles. My slight body shook with sobs. Tears fell down my face and I made no efforts to impede their journey.

You left me all alone.

I didn't know what....I couldn't figure out what to do all I could remember how to do was listen to you and do as you said and feel as you told me. Do as you did and that was all I could do and now you're gone and I can't know what to do now

but....

but “we're alright.”

but “if anyone asks, tell them we're alright.”

if anyone asks....

If...we're alright.

we're alright we're alright we're alright we're alright we're alright we're alright we're alright

we're alright.

It was the only phrase I could form with unwilling vocal cords...my rasping, morose, empty whimpers having no echo in the icy stone walls of the room. Echoes would have given me something of you to hold on to the echoes wouldn't sound like me and that meant they could have been you and I needed your voice....your sweet voice of honey....

The absence of echo, sweet reverberations...the absence of you, my love, was the last thing I heard, the last thing I felt before falling, no, plummeting into a sleep-like trance on my new lifeless floor. I could only hope to become more like it.