Contemplations

WARNINGS: divorce, rough family life

  Loneliness.  It both surprises and amazes me how many people don't understand that feeling.  That feeling of being secluded in a dark room, locked away, where nobody will ever find you.  Where despair claws at you and consumes you.  So much so that even if somebody DID ever find you, they wouldn't recognize you.  Loneliness is hearing that lone bird call fade away.  First happy, then cheery, then hopeful, and finally silent.  Hearing nothing as the only reply.  It's the feeling you get when you see one whale fluke jutting out of a blood-red sea. 
  So many people say they know the feeling.  That they
'understand'.  Ha.  What a joke.  They don't understand.  Not the way I do.  If they did, I wouldn't feel lonely anymore.  If anyone had remotely seemed to understand, I wouldn't have FELT lonely for fourteen years.
  I was born an only child.  I still am an only child.  My daddy told me that when I was very little, I would always ask him and my Momma when there was going to be another baby.  When would I finally have a baby sister.  Or brother.  He said that the answer would always be never.  I was never going to be an older sister.  I would always ask, 'Why?'  The response would be that I was all they could handle and I was all they ever needed.  I used to be satiated with that answer.  Or, I think I did.  I don't know for sure.  It's sort of funny that I only just remembered that memory when my Dad reminded me, fourteen years later.
  I honestly think kids with siblings don't truly understand how bad loneliness can get.  Like it or not, they always have someone else around.  They could choose though, to hang out with friends instead of their siblings.  They could choose to go to their room to try to get some peace an d quiet.  People who are an only child don't get the luxury of that choice.  Like it or not, your alone.  Sure, you can hang out with friends, but you always have to say goodbye.  And that familiar, empty feeling ALWAYS returns.
  I guess my problem growing up was that I wanted to feel included.  No matter what.  So I would agree all the time.  Kids always told me that I was lucky.  That I was sooooo lucky to be an only child.  I guess I was afraid that if I disagreed with them, then they wouldn't hang out with me anymore.  Come on, give me a break!  I was six at the time!  So I always hid my true self and just nodded and smiled.  Later in life, I would sometimes say it got lonely, but I would ALWAYS agree with them in the end.
  My daddy also told me that I didn't get as many hugs as I should have when I was younger.  Now that may seem unimportant to you, but it's extremely important to me.  I didn't get told I was loved.  I guess I didn't mind 'cause I just took it for granted.  But it would have been nice to know for sure.  As I grew up, I forced the loneliness to the back of my mind, ignoring it and giving it time to grow.  The feeling just became a part of me.  It became natural.  And I continued to agree with practically anybody.
  Home wasn't much better.  At home, we didn't have 'family time.'  Everyone just did their own business and that was that.  To me, home just meant somewhere to eat and sleep.  Slowly, I got better about not being lonely and my life finally started to seem to turn around for the better.  That is, until my parents started to separate from each other.
  It started with little disputes and tension in the air.  Then it started to escalate.  I started to love being home alone 'cause that's the only time I felt truly relaxed.  I started resenting my parents for coming home.  Hating that I was forced to be in a tense environment twenty hours a day.
  Soon, the air was so thick with tension that if felt as if my parents were constantly yelling at each other.  They weren't though.  What they were doing was much, much worse.  They acted as if the other didn't exist.   It continued until my parents weren't even sleeping in the same room.
  I can't say that I was surprised when my parents announced that they were getting divorced.  I mean, you could sort of tell that it was going to happen eventually.  That didn't necessarily mean I wanted it to have to come to a divorce though.  I wished my parents could've gotten along better.  Yet I was relieved about the divorce because the thick, oppressing tension magically disappeared!
  I still got lonely.  But I still wish I could talk to someone who understands.  Someone like a sibling.  So, I made it my mission to make sure that people understand about loneliness.  That brothers and sisters might appreciate what they have just a little more.  I've made it my mission to try and not let others feel the intensity I've lived through in my short fourteen years of life.  I've made it my mission to educate the ignorant.  And I've decided to start with you.

-Zoe