I absolutely adore the first two stanzas. The rest doesn't quite flow. Maybe the third stanza. I really like "the cacophony of our reality whittled down to a single melody," though. It feels very real. "Soft, but strong and clear as day" is a beautiful phrase. Congrats. Ground/sound was forced. And "Ashes to ashes/Crumble, crumble dust" is gorgeous.
Overall, I felt like if you had cut a bunch of the forced stuff out, it would have been more powerful-though it is quite powerful as it is. I've always admired your poems. The middle part is what's weird. And the very end, before the last two lines. That's what could be cut. Lovely job, dear!
1 comments:
I absolutely adore the first two stanzas. The rest doesn't quite flow. Maybe the third stanza. I really like "the cacophony of our reality whittled down to a single melody," though. It feels very real. "Soft, but strong and clear as day" is a beautiful phrase. Congrats. Ground/sound was forced. And "Ashes to ashes/Crumble, crumble dust" is gorgeous.
Overall, I felt like if you had cut a bunch of the forced stuff out, it would have been more powerful-though it is quite powerful as it is. I've always admired your poems. The middle part is what's weird. And the very end, before the last two lines. That's what could be cut. Lovely job, dear!
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